Guest Post: Taking Up Space by Erika Rene
An open letter from a fat, Black woman determined to stop surviving and start living
Editor’s Note: This has been minimally reviewed and revised for grammar, spelling and conciseness
Words cannot truly encapsulate what it feels like to take up space. Today is Day 217 of me taking up space in the world (Editor’s Note: Erika submitted this op-ed on June 23, 2023). Today, I took up space by writing this piece, feeding my human, and pushing the hot and sexy agenda.
I want to start off this piece by saying: Thank you for sharing space with me. I want to thank Jess for giving me the platform to share my story. It is an honor to share space with folks who can hopefully relate to my story. I am not a writer, but I am a hot & sexy person who has access to my computer (so let’s see how this goes).
I started my Taking Up Space Series on Tiktok back in November 2022 to document life as a Black, neurodivergent, queer woman residing in a larger body who is in recovery from an eating disorder. And yes, you can look like me and have an ED. We exist, and I wanted to share what recovery looks like for someone who isn’t white, isn’t thin and isn’t rich.
Since November 19, 2022, I made the decision to get on one of the most unhinged social media apps and just be myself. I made the commitment to show up, whether it’s for five seconds or for three minutes. A part of my work is actively acknowledging my own existence and making the decision to live and participate in my own life. All my life, I’ve been a bystander to my own movie while forgetting that I’m the star of the show. I never thought other people would want to share space with me on such a public platform, but I am super grateful they do and have. I am incredibly honored for every comment, like or DM I get for just showing up.
I’ve never been a fan of “faking it” online. I feel like the point of social media is to connect and be authentic in your own way, within boundaries, of course. If you log onto my page, you will see joy, pain, laughter, tears, and heartbreak. You will see someone who is coming to terms with her own mental health. You will see confusion, a shit ton of grief and most importantly, you will see me. Someone who is shifting from merely existing to living. Someone who is trying to feed her human (put food in my body, aka feed myself) while navigating a world that despises my existence. Someone who is curious about how good life can get when I dare to boldly show up and take up space. I know what it means to barely exist, but I haven’t tried living yet. I deserve to ride the wave of life and see how magical it can get. Life can be ashy and problematic most of the time, but it also gives me milk & honey when needed.
Life can be ashy and problematic most of the time, but it also gives me milk & honey when needed.
I’ve never been a fan of “faking it” online. I feel like the point of social media is to connect and be authentic in your own way, within boundaries, of course. If you log onto my page, you will see joy, pain, laughter, tears, and heartbreak. You will see someone who is coming to terms with her own mental health. You will see confusion, a shit ton of grief and most importantly, you will see me. Someone who is shifting from merely existing to living. Someone who is trying to feed her human (put food in my body, a.k.a. feed myself) while navigating a world that despises my existence. Someone who is curious about how good life can get when I dare to boldly show up and take up space. I know what it means to barely exist, but I haven’t tried living yet. I deserve to ride the wave of life and see how magical it can get. Life can be ashy and problematic most of the time, but it also gives me milk & honey when needed.
Along the way, I have convinced myself that I am not worthy of taking up space in any capacity due to how I look. I’ve always resided in a larger body, and it has been an interesting experience. The body I reside in has gone through so much pain and trauma. Sometimes, I feel like my body is a rental, something to be exchanged, and I have a hard time accepting that it’s mine. I feel like growing up in a Black, queer, non-male body is hard, but to reside in a larger body is another layer of uniqueness. Every day, I’m working to unlearn fatphobia, ableism, diet culture and white supremacy and its effects on my person. Confidently living in this body feels like the biggest fuck you, and I love you I could ever give to the world.
Taking up space means so much more than physical space. We take up space mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. The last 217 days have taught me that I haven’t scratched the surface of this life shit yet. I’m 26, and I’m still learning how to be 26, while holding space for my 8- and 16-year-old self, while not rushing to get to my 50-year-old self. It’s hard trying to figure out who you are outside of the traumatic experiences that happened to you. I am making a conscious effort to take life moment by moment.
Confidently living in this body feels like the biggest fuck you, and I love you I could ever give to the world.
When I started this series, I was scared, anxious, depressed and confused. Today, I am still those things, but there is more: more laughter, joy, and grief. I feel the “I love you” seep deeper into my skin. I feel joy radiate through my body when I try a new recipe to feed my human. I cry in front of the camera instead of behind it. I ask for support and lean into my community. I take improv classes and go to parties. I get up earlier to spend more time admiring my smile. Today, I recognized that my life’s mission is to push the hot & sexy agenda. Today, I do pop-ups for my small business and connect with strangers online and in person.
I am finally recognizing that I am worthy of being here no matter how I feel about myself. I am worthy of every breath in my body. My heart has never been this open before, and I am so excited. I’m excited to see how good life can get for me, for you, for us. Today, I am present.
I’m learning that I’m supposed to be here. The Universe and my ancestors made space for me to live, so I’m going to live. I’m going to see what it feels like to nourish my human and laugh louder. To see what it feels like to love harder. I want to know what it feels like not to be a “strong, Black woman” (please don’t refer to Black women & femmes thusly; we are tired. Respectfully, get somebody else to do it). I’m going to see what it feels like to hold hands with a future lover. I will explore how to accept anger as a valid emotion and breathe life into the vessel I formally chose to tarnish. To just be me.
I am going to see what it feels like to take up space.
I love you, us, and me. Thank you for sharing space with me today. Moment by moment, friends.
About the Author
Erika Rene (she/her) is a Black, queer artist based in Waldorf, MD. Erika graduated from Bowie State University with a B.S. in Psychology in May 2021. She is the owner & founder of Rene & Clay, a queer & women-owned jewelry, home décor, and accessory business based in Waldorf, MD. Rene & Clay was established in our tiny home studio back in March 2021. We make jewelry and accessories for the bold, unique, and weird individual. Our motto: the weirder, the better! We strive to help others embrace the beauty of their uniqueness. We want to create art through the lens of self-acceptance and love.
She started her business to cope with her eating disorder and her mental health since the beginning of the pandemic. Erika’s goal is to open an art & crafts studio that caters to Black, Brown & Indigenous queer, and trans individuals who are navigating eating disorders or disordered eating. In her free time, she enjoys crocheting, painting, doodling, watching movies, cooking, and making jewelry. You can find her on @_erikarene and @reneandclay on all social media platforms.
Do you have a story about fat joy, triumph or sadness? Or just want to rant about how unfair fatphobia is? Please send me an email jess@imjesssims.com; we pay a small honorarium for published pieces.
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yess to this!